The Human Spirit
by daniaal
Summary: Soldier Sprirt:Modern Warrior. .Hyeana Spirit:ancient predator. .Xander:?
1. Prologue

I do not own the rights to BtVs.

This story takes place after the Parker incident, everything after that did NOT happen.

**The Human Spirit**

Xander was sad. And frankly that was not a big surprise, after all why should he be happy. He was living in a rat infested damp basement, that looked as his soul felt.

They had all left him, Buffy, Willow even G-Man. Xander smirked as he thought of that name. Though to anybody watching it was more of a grimace. He would never admit it, but he had looked up to Giles as a father....... not any more.

'You fucking whore' the abusive words came from upstairs, and Xander looked up at the ceiling from his position of the bed. The cobwebs in the top corner seemed as silver strings in the dim light of the room.

A crashing noise was heard, the breaking of glass shattering upstairs so familiar, so very familiar.

He wondered where the bottle had hit this time, but before he could even finish the thought another noise was heard. A thump hitting a floor. His mother most likely.

Xander merely turned his head, a lone tear flowing through his eye. The tear was born of pain and disgust. Why couldn't he fight his father, after all he fought beings that were four times faster and stronger than the average person? Why was it that he froze up whenever HE was around? Why? Why? Why? his mind berated him over and over again.

Coward his conscience whispered, hypocrite his mind screamed. Is your mother worse than the people you save? You are leaving her to that monster, you are as bad as HIM. And the mantra continued in a never ending cycle Why? Why? Why? Why?

Xander yearned for the answer to that question as a starving man yearns for food. The only answer he could give was that he had not left her. He was still here living in the basement, just to be near her. The answer like always sounded pitiful. Just like him, his inner demon taunted.

It was as if a damn had burst. And the tears would not stop. His grimy, dirty pillow, felt as if they had been put through the washer. Xander almost laughed at the thought of his house having a working washing machine, instead of laughter his body sobbed.

Once again the thought of simply ending his life came. But he knew he could not do it. Even the thought of him leaving his mother in this position made a tight not in his stomach. And the guilt became even worse. Xander knew he could not leave her like this intentionally. But if he died fighting a demon, if he died **accidentally**, well then it was not his fault.

But in the dark recesses of his subconscious he knew it would be his fault. His fault because he did not jump in battle just to save Buffy's life, but to also end his.

The sobs finished.

The mantra continued Why? Why? Why? Why?

Xander used his shirt to wipe the tears and suddenly whipped his head towards the door.

It was an instinct born of countless battles. An instinct that had saved his life on more than one occasion- Something bad was going to happen.

The clock on the wall sounded as if it should have wakened the dead. 

**Tick-Tock. Tick-Tock. Tick-Tock. Tick-Tock.**

Xander's heart raced faster and faster with each noise. Until it seemed as he was going to start to hyperventilate.

The clock suddenly started chiming. And Xander looked at it startled.

Any other person would have laughed it of. But Xander continued to look at the door.

**Tick-Tock. Tick-Tock. Tick-Tock. Tick-Tock.**

The door opened, moving slowly. It seemed as if the hinges were screaming for Xander.

Slowly by slowly a large man stepped forth, his size was such that he covered the whole door. The room had been dark, but the stairs the man had used were lightened. The light shined at his back, making him look ominous. His beard making him look like a wild man, but it was his eyes that drew the attention- they were tiny beads of pure undiluted evil.

'Hey boy' it grumbled.

'y,yes d,d,dad' Xander stuttered

Anybody who knew the boy would have been amazed at the way he looked at the moment. Like a abused dog that knew it was going to be kicked. Or more appropriately like an abused child.

Xander's father stepped towards Xander. Each step a slow motion testifying his drunkenness.

He was 6 foot 2 though in Xanders eyes he was a giant. Dark hair that came to his shoulders. A fork shaped beard, that was showing a few streaks of gray. He was wearing a dirty blue flannel shirt, dirty boots. And despite the small pot-belly, which should have been huge if it was to testify even a tenth of his lifestyle, women would have flung themselves towards him. Calling him handsome, a macho man. That was of course before they looked in his eyes; once women stared at his eyes, they could not get away from him fast enough.

It was no wonder Xander had been unable to sleep for a full five days when he had heard the phrase 'the eyes are the gateway to the soul'

Every instinct in Xander was screaming at him to do something-anything.

Xander though was not listening to his instincts. If he was doing something it was trying his best not to show his face. The last time his father had caught him crying. Xander had not been able to walk for a month.

He had been seven.

Xander knew why he was finding so hard to stop the tears from flowing. His friends had betrayed him-no, not friends. Not anymore.

He was alone now.

'That clock you got in your room....... a bit behind ain't it'

A fleeting thought passed through his mind with an image. The thought was that he deserved this. The image his mother's battered face face looking at him, and then glancing away. Shamed that her son had to see her like this. A site as usual to him as the sunlight on a cloudless day. Yet still he did nothing.

Why? Why? Why?

Coward, hypocri..

'You listening to me boy, or you think that your old man not worth listing to' he snarled

'Yes dad, the clock is a bit slow' Xander replied, quickly and meekly. Trying to stall the inevitable.

'Well then, I guess its time to congratulate the birthday boy.' Blow after blow struck Xander. But before unconsciousness welcomed him, his last thoughts were surprisingly not to do with the beating his body was taking.

They were 'at least somebody remembered'. His mind replaying what he had overheard in the afternoon.

Xander walked towards Giles house wondering what presents he would be receiving. God he was so happy that it was finally his birthday. No that was not true. He was happy because of Buffy. His smile got even bigger.

Yesterday night Buffy had drank a lot of beer. Transforming herself into a cave-slayer.

Only in the hellmouth- Xander thought ruefully. He replayed the night over again.

The stander by had to wonder at the boys state of mind when he jumped on in the air and clicked his feet together. Things like that did nor happen- infact that did not happen: the Sunnydale denial syndrome suddenly kicked in. As familiar to the local as breathing.

Xander wonder if she would blush when she sees me. Of course the thought of Buffy blushing did not excite him at all.

Nope not at all.

Yeah right. 

Xander could not wipe away the silly smirk on his face.

A small voice whispered that good things like this did not happen to him. Xander crushed the annoying voice. Nothing was going to ruin this day for him.

When Giles house came into view Xander thought of a wicked idea. He would climb on the pipe and enter Giles house through his bedroom window. Then he would startle them all.

Xander groaned at the thought. It would be nice surprising them all using the back-key. But Buffy would certainly hear him.

Of course he did not have to do this. The Sunnydale population would probable ignore somebody climbing up a building, but it was going to be hard to climb up there.

Of course Xander being Xander could not just back down.

One of these days your going to regret doing stupid things like this, his inner monologue supplied.

What Xander did not know was that today would be that day.

Xander was in Giles bedroom, all out of breath. I have got to quit my job as the ice-cream man, he thought.

Slowly Xander walked towards the door.

Small whispers of voices could be heard from downstairs.

Xander decided to crawl to the balcony and hear what the gang was talking about.

He knew he shouldn't. But then again it is my birthday, a goofy grin appeared on his face as he thought of the many ways to convince Buffy that wat he did was not necessarily a bad thing.

After yesterday, he believed he could convince Buffy of anything.

The grin became a full fledged smile.

'Do I have to? I mean its important that I stay to guard the hellmouth, so that nothing hemouthy happens' Buffy's voice said.

'Yes Buffy you have to go to England for the ceremony. Frankly I am most displeased with the lack of enthusiasm..'

'Oh cut it out Giles' Buffy interrupted

'Buffy why don't you want to go' Willow asked 'I thought having a vacation from the hellmouth would be something you'd like'.

Vacation? England? Ceremony? Whats going on here, and why can't they wait for me to show up before they started their conversation Xander speculated.

The thought that they did not want him here for this conversation not even being considered.

'Oz would you like to go to London?' Willow said 'I mean I know that whole werewolf in London movie was not very good to werewolves but what if we wanted to go to Paris and what if another werewolf movie was made and we were living in that area would we move not that i'm saying all werewolf movies are bad because their not'

Xander could not see the room, but had the feeling that they all were smirking as he was. His thoughts were confirmed when Willow said 'Oz your supposed to stop me when I start to babble'

'Sorry' a male voice, obviously Oz's said

'Trip sounds good' the voice said in a cool voice.

Well there goes Oz's contribution to the conversation Xander remaked. Wondering if he should just shout surprise and join in the conversation. Buffy's next words stopped him.

'Xander won't come with us will he?' The words sounded too casual

Why don't you want him to come with us to England Buffy? Giles queried

A silence fell through the room. Buffy obviously not wanting to answer that question. But Willow obviously saw no reason to answer it.

'Oh I know' Willow answered. 'Its because Buffy's afraid Xander might do something to embarrass us'

It was as if somebody had punched out the life sustaining air from Xander's lungs. And he waited for the next words, unable to move. Just as a passerby is unable to look away from a hideous car crash.

Xander had heard worse from his friends, but he was in the room from them. At this moment they were talking about him to behind his back

Is this what Willow really thinks about me? My best friend? He thought she had forgiven him for the fluke incident.

The darkness inside of him whispered that she had nothing to forgive him for. He did not force himself on her. What they had done, was mutual. If anything she should have apologized to him. Oz and the entire gang had blamed him, and she had just let them.

Another thought entered his mind. Did last night mean nothing to Buffy?

'Your right Willow' Buffy's words confirmed his suspicions. Bringing forward his insecurities.

Loser that was the word his father, teachers, school colleagues, passerby's called him. And know his friends were confirming that this is what they thought of him.

It was worse than the Sisters of Jhe incident. Because then he had at least had the small ray of hope that his friends were just afraid for him.

'I mean come on, I like Xander as much as anybody. But you know all he'll do is get in the way. Isn't it enough that we have to have him following us around like a puppy over here.' Buffy was ranting, each word doing feeling as another nail was being hammered into his coffin. 'Giles you have no idea how embarrassing it is when he shows up in college. I'd feel sorry for him, but you can't feel sorry for somebody who is just asking for it. Even remembering the Hawaiian shirts give me a headache.'

'Buffy did you and Xander have an argument' Giles queried.

But instead of Buffy answering Willow did 'Well Giles they did. You see Buffy was patrolling yesterday with Xander, and like always Xander threw himself at a vampire. Who threw him back making him land on the tombstone head first. And then Buffy had to concentrate on the vampires AND make sure that no vampire came near Xander. His just a poophead'

That was not how it happened Xander wanted to shout

'Every time I take him on patrol I have to look out for him Giles. How am I supposed to do my job as the slayer if I'm looking out for him....... If I don't take him with me he starts whining like a little baby. And if I do he just gets in the way.'

Xander could now and again see the head of Buffy as she came into view. Her pacing speeding up.

Xander was shell-shocked. Sure he was upset at the beginning of the conversation. But now. Now it looked like Buffy and Willow were disgusted by him.

'Buffy' Giles spoke in low voice.

Buffy's pacing stopped. The silence was echoing in the room. Each knowing instinctively something monumental was about to occur

'Perhaps it best we simply not allow Xander to continue helping us' Giles spoke in a leadingly calm voice.

'You mean kick him out of the gang?' Buffy answered. As if the thought had not truly occurred to her

'I am afraid Buffy' Giles spoke 'If we allow Xander to continue even research, he will not be able to restrain himself from getting involved.'

Willow now spoke in a voice so low that Xander had to concentrate on her next words 'Well it would solve all our problems Buffy.'

'Lets do it.' Buffy told everybody. Her words spiraling towards Xander

Oz spoke once more.

Xander crawled towards Giles window. Eased himself down the pipe. Oz's words haunting his every step away from his so called friends

'We should have done this a long time ago' was what he had said.

Nobody had disagreed.


	2. Chapter 1: Teaser

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TV Shows » Buffy: The Vampire Slayer » **The Human Spirit** text size: (+) : (-) Author: daniaal 1. Prologue2. Chapter 1: Teaser G - English - Action/Adventure/Angst - Reviews: 14 - Publish date: 09-11-03 - Updated: 09-29-03 story id: 1515828 

_**Diary of Xander**_

_**I woke up from the beatings HE gave me, I've woken up from a lot of beatings. Not just from HIM, but from my time with the scoobies.**_

_**This time though it was different.**_

_**There was the blinding pain I had in my head, and I knew. I knew with every sense of my being this was not like any pain I had ever faced.**_

_**This was the a pain that was telling me that something had broken.**_

_**And that the fact that the pain was coming from my head, frankly it scared the hell out of me.**_

_**The pain itself, it felt like ---- like when you've eaten a cold ice cream really fast and your head is about to freeze --- Only this was a 100 times worse.**_

_**I tried thinking about the pain, something to focus on. Because as long as I focused on the pain I didn't have to acknowledge what every hard earned instinct was screaming at me.**_

_**I know this is what a Kamakazi pilot felt like when he was about to fly of.**_

_**He is about to die. But instead of contemplating his death, he did something else. He made sure he had enough fuel, that all his equipment was operational, even the task of securely fastening the seatbelt was something he did with a relief. Because as long as these tasks were being done, then the thoughts at the back of his mind would not come to the forefront.**_

_**Nobody ever excused me for being smart. But even I knew that if my fear was true, if in fact something had broke in my head, I needed help.**_

_**Stopping myself from feeling or at least reducing pain was a skill I had to learn because of necessity. If it wasn't for that skill, then between HIS drunken tantrums and my midnight lifestyle I would have been in a constants sense of pain; I have never felt betrayed from a skill I have learnt --- Until then.**_

_**To accept your own doom is a very hard thing .**_

_**But I had accepted my dad thought I was a loser, that teachers thought I was a loser, that class mates thought I was a loser, that strangers thought I was a loser, that my "friends" thought I was a loser --- including Buffy --- the woman I loved. The woman that just two days ago I had made love to, while tears of joy threatened to flow down my face --- That Buffy Summers thought I was a loser. **_

_**Compared to accepting that, accepting my doom was not that hard.**_

_**As I walked towards the basement door I was thinking how love can turn to hate with a day. A hate that is the same intensity as the love felt. How friendship can turn to betrayal. How allies can turn to enemies. **_

_**As I was thinking these thoughts I fell on my knees and puked.**_

_**When I stopped gasping and grunting. I glanced at the floor --- Then I stared.**_

_**Its amazing how red blood truly is......**_

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